Sometimes

 

life just becomes so hard. Things have been really hard this year, especially this winter. we have all been so sick and not just with sniffles and the like but full on hospitalisations and vomiting for 10days straight and straight into sinus infections. It never seems to end at the moment. I thought I had managed pretty well missing it all but I have been sick for about 6 weeks now and this weekend just finished me. My facial muscles are not working properly and it is devastating me. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I am not me. I am getting treatment and it is curable, it is just going to take time. time I don’t want to have to wait. I don't really know which way to turn. I struggle to pick up my camera and shoot as I cannot close my eye. I feel wrong when I laugh with my boys, I know they love me and don't care what I look like but I do. Not that it really shows very obviously but to me it wrong.

I have no idea where to turn where to go to find this new me for the little while that I have to be the new me. Yes I am having a pity party. today it is harder as I know what is going on, I know what caused it and still there is so little that I can do.

I am loved. I am getting positives in other areas of my life. My boys are all becoming healthy again. Daz is looking fantastic. He has lost a lot of weight since his fight against the spots and dots and is so much better for it. The boys are still growing so fast and learning and watching and talking and laughing and loving life. They are really terrific little men.

Now just to find my happy place again and things will be good.

The saying goes that things that do not kill you make you stronger well bloody hell we are pretty strong then.

If it wasn’t the four of us being ill then it was our families as well including losing our father/father-in-law just a few short weeks ago.

Now as I look outside and the sun is finally shining, my babe is playing the wiggles and listening to playschool maybe I can feel a measure of peace and know that there is going to be great things ahead for us. We just have to get through this tough bit again and we shall be better for it.

Things like this really make you stop, think, re-evaluate what you are doing, what you need, and what is the most important thing in your life.

this is where I am at at the moment. What are the critical things that I/we need to be happy. Material possessions are not necessary. Sure they are nice. But honestly knowing that we can be together and that we love each other regardless of the situation we are put in is so much more important to me.

We will get there. do you think if I say it enough I can start to believe it?

On a little funny note  - my darling boy said mum check out the light lets take photos. so we did (and that was how I realised something was wrong) however he makes me laugh. I am going to give a visualisation not a image for you.

 

two words…..

 

booger boy.

 

he cracked himself and me up and refused to change the position. so yes I snapped it. I haven’t put it on the computer yet so you are going to have to wait to get confirmation of where your mind is going. and oh my yes he did!

 

love you

j