learning to FLy again

This week has been hard. such a mental journey for me. I have struggled with everything from parenting , to who the heck am I, what the heck so I think I am doing taking photos of other people, why the heck do I even have a camera. There are so many factors that I know in my head are causing it. BUT at the end of the day I need to get into my head and clear it out. I have had a copy of The Fly Guide by Angie Warren for months. I started reading it when I first printed it out and clearly wasnt in a place to learn to fly yet. I watched this video by Zach Arias called Transform. In fact I have watched it a couple of times. At first it was just yeah ok, I’ve watched it, next step. But then I had to write my story. What the heck was I supposed to write? Where do I start? I struggle sometimes with so many balls being juggled in the air that I swear they all fall to the ground in rapid succession. I pick them up and start juggling again. So I watched it again. and I listened. And I listened to it again. Slowly it got me thinking. So I bought myself a new journal, – a pretty aqua one that appealed to me that is big enough to stick photos in. This is going to be my personal flight into finding me again. Which fits with my chosen word of Grow for the year. I will grow as a person, as a mum, as a photographer.

I am going to keep my journal entries off the blog, but I will let snippets through :)

Like tonight. I did a big purge into my newly cracked open journal.  - 3 pages of scrawly thoughts and me. I had jotted down some questions that appealed to me while watching transform – who am I as a photographer? What was my vision? what were my goals? This coincided this week with my who the heck am I moments.

As I pondered and wrote it all coalesced into serious thoughts and ideas and goals and a desire to take on my personal challenge of doing what I really really want to be doing. Am I there – heck no. Do I have a direction in which I can get help along my journey? absolutely. Do I know where I want to go. yes.

so I feel like there is a bit of some of that weight off my shoulders tonight. I am sure tomorrow it will be back there, but for now I know in which direction to face my fears and the determination to do it.

Back to Fly. Pick your fave ever 5 photos. How in the heck am I going to pick only 5 images I will admit I have only gone back to since I have my digital camera’s. the blurry, the heart tugging emotionally connected images that appeal to me. They make my heart sing. They are images that stay with me in my heart and my mind. Do they pop up every single day. nope a couple are recent images. but some are not. some are just me and him. BUT looking at them and unconsciously analysing them I see a truth and a clarity in what I wrote not an hour before and what I see in these images.

  ok I confess I picked six :)

this one appealed to my photography side :)

 

so I see a path, and I see why I have chosen the path I am to embark on. I see my vision and I see my goals and honestly I see my heart again. If this is a journey to find all of this and come out stronger and whole and happy and content then it is so worth it.

I have ordered some things that I have wanted for a while, things that will help me learn more about my craft, to help me get to a degree of satisfaction within myself to know that I can do this. I can work at anything and achieve my hearts desire.